Wednesday, 1 October 2014

Cooked!

Last couple of weeks can be classified as "Bizarre". It was so subtle initially that I didn't notice but then gradually it became evidently obvious.

I can cook. Not that I have won any competitions or awards but yes, my food stays balanced on the fine line between raw and overcooked, bland and over-spicy, pale and black and yes, it is edible as well. People have filled their plates and loosened their belts. But now things are no longer what they used to be.

The food I was perfect in was now perfectly imperfect. Food comes to those who can cook. But now the food was going away from me. Oh God! Does that mean I can no longer cook? The food was completely out of sync, either it was raw or burnt. Whatever I do I could not stop the tea or milk from getting spilled. The worst was when the pressure cooker spitted chilka dal (lentils) on my face! It didn't kill me, but yes, kept me indoors. I was worried, scared and puzzled.

Suddenly Dr. Freud’s ghost entered and controlled my soul and senses. He made me realize that I have been cooking for decades. Now my body does this mechanically, whereas my mind is revolting. My senses are hence on the verge of biggest mutiny. Monotonous cooking! Yes, that’s it. I immediately logged in in my FB account and directly went to foodie pages. The talented cooks showcased and shared their fabulous recipes, the secret ingredients and tips for the perfect turnout. I can’t miss on this one. I picked up a few vegetarian dishes, feeling ecstatic for bringing peace within and expecting some praises. My heightened senses were brutally slaughtered as I tasted the result. Oh no! What went wrong? How can I serve this, and poor waiting people had to satiate themselves with some grilled sandwiches.

As I was dishing out the beautiful recipe that I turned into a disaster, the TV behind me shouted in a hoaxed voice “ Ek Chudail Ki Nazar- Utaare nahi utarti” (You can never ward off an evil eye!) My poor little fist sized heart sank. Was I cursed? Those floodgates were crashed by salted Tsunami waves and consumed the entire tissue box. Dr Freud’s soul suddenly vanished in thin air. It was an Indian chudail (witch) - where he had no expertise, this credit is proudly shared by Ramsey brothers and Ekta Kapoor. Now I actually knew the problem. I was under a powerful spell - about to be squished and spatula-ted! Nahiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii! The drama queen revolted! I can't let it happen to myself.

The remedy is where the problem is. The salt grains spurted all over over and were drained down with water. The seven ‘complete’ chilly roared in the air choking the humans in the vicinity to near death experience…may be they were also under the spell or were they part of conspiracy theory? My mind was transforming from Voodoonian to Feludian. Who? How? When? The questions started hovering over like little chirp-lets over pearls of millet. I questioned the oracle; inquired Mary Poppins; tried to read between the lines of words of wisdom they spoke but alas, I bid farewell to Feluda.

I sat on the chair, looking at my hopes departing from the window. Now, I cannot cook. Let the milk spill the way Aamir zoomed out with his bike and I gave the loser Uday Chopra look waving sadistically.

The bell rung! It was like the temple bells in a stormy night. The thunder and lightening and the miracle under construction! I opened the door and a mystery man came in my misty vision.

He assured everything will be fine - Asha Ka Kiran. err. Ki.ki.ki.kiran! Black magic, voodoo, Sanjeev Kapoor, Genie…Who are you? My mind asked me to put the thoughts in words. But before I could frame, he read my mind.

“Madam your gas stove needed servicing and the residue choked some of the gas lines, making the temperature go haywire; sometimes slow and sometimes more than expected. Hope it will now run smoothly!" He wiped his dirty hands with the dirtier handkerchief. My wisdom kept me mum with nods as only reaction allowed to be reflected!

He happily charged the service fees and I gladly paid the amount needed to end my misery!

Loosened Belts and belches are back in fashion:)